8/3/19
doing alright today, kind of in a really weird mood. also...incredibly tired in the mornings and super awake at night. when i first started this change in diet my sleep schedule was great but now its all messed up again. although, did lose 6 pounds so far! so not so bad. hoping to keep that going until im where i wanna be. overall things are just ok.
7/25/19
very tired today, but otherwise not feeling much different.
7/23/19
my faith in people might be a little lost
7/22/19
i keep writing a fuckton and deleting it. tldr im really fucking sad thats all you need to know.
7/16/19
got through my second day back at uni, its been alright. not nearly as bad as i thought itd be. im more stressed about other things honestly. major thing is i changed my diet and have been eating better for 2 weeks and like...can i just say fucking wow. the changes have been pretty insane for just a short amount of time. my diet was pretty bad before-hand to be fair. i usually just didnt eat and if i did eat it would just be chips or bread or other cheap junk i could get my hands on. needless to say i felt like shit and slept like shit literally every day. now though i sleep 9-6 and when i wake up at 6 i actually feel awake. even throughout the day i feel awake! its so foreign to me, but i know this is for the better. taking care of yourself is seriously important. not just emotionally, but physically as well.
anyway, want a good album? here you go. (dsco is my favorite song)
7/14/19
making some changes in my life for the better! also, i reverted this journal back to how it was around a month ago. if you want to see how it used to look its still here
6/14/19
drew some things this morning! i had to size them down so they'd fit in the journal, but if you want to see them here's #1 and here's #2!
6/8/19
finally feeling a little better today, just generally feeling kind of lonely. theres somebody i really want to talk to, but for some reason the more i wanna talk to somebody the less likely i am to talk to them. i hate this bitch of a life. ANYWAY i plan on completely redoing this journal page. ive got a cool idea, but id probably have to get rid of all the journals ive written up until this point. i kinda dont care about that though. i actually want to erase everything ive written here each time i think about it, so maybe thatd be just fine.
6/1/19
depression is truly a disease. it fucks with your brain. i always feel depressed, all the time, but for the past few days ive felt unbelievably sad. i dont know if im glad im actually feeling something for once or if i wanna just go back to feeling depressed as usual. i dont really know what to do. im going to try and just do things to make me feel useful. anything, i dont really care what it is at this point. feeling like im useful and mean something to the world might help me...it usually does. i dont know.
5/31/19
updates will probably take a little while longer to roll out than planned because im a bit sad and unmotivated truthfully. nobodys waiting on them though, so ill take my time. hope youre all having a good day.
5/30/19
i hate myself. thats all
5/28/19
i wrote a lot here and deleted it bc i hate big long chunks of text and i wont subject anyone to that mess. anyway, changed my header again. itll probably continue to change for the next few hours because im indecisive as hell. i also just hate using an image i didnt create. so, if ive gotta use this crappy mspaint mouse scribble, then soviet. actually, you know what? im gonna make a script thatll cycle thru multiple doodles on refresh so i dont have to choose.
5/26/19
dont have access to my laptop, so i decided to fix this page up a bit. also, go listen to tyler's new album
5/25/19
WAHOO! good productive day today!
  • i got my drivers license today!!! that was such hell. jesus christ.

  • got everything together for our memorial day cookout tomorrow!

  • made huge progress on a very major update to my "me" page. you can see some of the progress over here. i am so excited for this to get done! im currently just finishing up the visual assets, actually coding them is going to be a pain. but lemme just say: its going to be much cooler than my main site page (if all goes well)!
5/21/19
just sad.........id like a cigarette
5/19/19
[encrypted because i felt this was too personal]
5/18/19
thought about a lot today. i just really analyzed myself today. i feel that people think im a lot cooler than i really am. dont get me wrong, it makes me happy when people love what i create, but it makes me so sad when they end up not liking me. i think maybe i try too hard to hide my flaws. so when they inevitably come out, maybe then thats why people are disappointed? i couldnt tell you honestly. but, to be fair, i dont know 100% that they even feel that way in the first place. anyway, i also thought a lot about my family. particularily my brother. im honestly scared of how he thinks and acts. i thought back to when he stabbed a snake over and over just for the hell of it. its neck was sliced halfway through, so nowhere near enough to kill it, but also giving it no chance at life. it made me incredibly sad. even now i think about it and i just cry. i didnt have the guts to kill it myself so i just kind of stayed with it until it died...the worst
WELL that was kind of depressing im fine i promise. ive been gigglin at this
5/15/19
last day of final exams/classes!!! i didnt study at all because quite frankly i dont care anymore. also...lmao...when i went to my last class i went in, said "oops wrong class", and left. it took me a whole 10 minutes to realize that it was not, infact, the wrong class. had me rolling. i went to class with these people for months yet i dont know anybody.
5/14/19
i really ought to add an about page
5/13/19
had a surprisingly normal dream. no decapitated animal heads with black holes for eyes circling and screaming at me or anything!! i had a dream about an ex i have not thought about in a very, very long time. we were just talking pretty normally. we even really kind of acted like nothing bad ever happened between us. all of a sudden though he started freaking out and grabbing me and apologizing and screaming like a maniac for me to forgive him and all that. he didnt specify about what to forgive him about so i was just as freaked out, and i woke up. if only he couldve actually apologized to me. anyways i dont know why im up at 1am thinking about this when ive got a final tomorrow. cya. and remember to not date self-proclaimed sociopaths
5/12/19
HELLO! brand new journal page up and running. while i did love my journals that were strictly encrypted, i also love making sense. so, now, ive got the best of both worlds.
5/19/19
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5/14/19
36 28-52-4 50-44 36-26 30-24-10-44 16-38-36-14
???
36, 10, 44, 52, 30, 8, 52, 4, 16, 48, 24, 28, 22, 36, 30, 44, 46, 28, 4, 8, 18, 36, 14, 36, 26, 40, 36, 26, 14, 24, 16, 44, 48, 18, 44, 14, 22, 52, 40, 44, 16, 46, 24, 48, 12, 28, 44, 26, 14, 16, 52, 26, 46, 26, 24, 14, 44, 50, 24, 24, 32, 42, 36, 30, 44, 16, 24, 26, 28, 4, 48, 24, 28, 22, 12, 14, 44, 18, 36, 30, 30, 22, 52, 16, 14, 44, 16, 24, 28, 44, 38, 44, 18, 44, 44, 10, 44, 18, 4, 24, 26, 48, 44, 36, 26, 52, 8, 38, 36, 30, 44, 50, 12, 14, 44, 10, 44, 26, 36, 10, 44, 30, 24, 16, 14, 28, 24, 16, 14, 24, 42, 14, 38, 44, 28, 52, 14, 14, 38, 36, 16, 22, 24, 36, 26, 14, 36, 8, 36, 16, 38, 36, 48, 24, 12, 30, 46, 18, 44, 52, 46, 44, 10, 44, 18, 4, 14, 38, 36, 26, 40, 36, 46, 44, 10, 44, 18, 8, 18, 36, 14, 14, 44, 26, 24, 26, 28, 4, 48, 24, 28, 22, 12, 14, 44, 18, 50, 12, 14, 36, 26, 44, 10, 44, 18, 18, 44, 52, 30, 30, 4, 48, 52, 18, 44, 46, 14, 24, 14, 52, 32, 44, 40, 24, 24, 46, 48, 52, 18, 44, 24, 42, 36, 14, 36, 14, 16, 48, 18, 52, 2, 4, 38, 24, 8, 14, 38, 44, 24, 30, 46, 44, 18, 4, 24, 12, 40, 44, 14, 14, 38, 44, 28, 24, 18, 44, 4, 24, 12, 8, 52, 26, 14, 14, 24, 32, 26, 24, 8, 28, 24, 18, 44, 52, 50, 24, 12, 14, 14, 38, 44, 22, 44, 18, 16, 24, 26, 4, 24, 12, 12, 16, 44, 46, 14, 24, 50, 44, 44, 10, 44, 26, 32, 26, 24, 8, 36, 26, 40, 14, 38, 36, 16, 18, 36, 40, 38, 14, 26, 24, 8, 36, 8, 24, 12, 30, 46, 26, 14, 50, 44, 50, 24, 14, 38, 44, 18, 44, 46, 36, 42, 36, 30, 24, 16, 44, 44, 10, 44, 18, 4, 14, 38, 36, 26, 40, 36, 28, 40, 24, 36, 26, 40, 14, 24, 48, 24, 28, 22, 36, 30, 44, 38, 44, 18, 44 36, 42, 4, 24, 12, 52, 48, 14, 12, 52, 30, 30, 4, 14, 24, 24, 32, 14, 38, 44, 14, 36, 28, 44, 14, 24, 46, 44, 48, 24, 46, 44, 14, 38, 36, 16, 52, 26, 46, 18, 44, 52, 46, 36, 14, 36, 28, 44, 28, 50, 52, 18, 18, 52, 16, 16, 44, 46
???
36, 46, 24, 26, 14, 32, 26, 24, 8, 8, 38, 4, 50, 12, 14, 38, 52, 10, 36, 26, 40, 14, 24, 46, 36, 40, 46, 44, 44, 22, 14, 24, 42, 36, 26, 46, 16, 36, 14, 44, 16, 30, 24, 26, 40, 42, 24, 18, 40, 24, 14, 14, 44, 26, 52, 50, 24, 12, 14, 52, 26, 46, 24, 26, 30, 4, 52, 10, 52, 36, 30, 52, 50, 30, 44, 50, 4, 52, 18, 48, 38, 36, 10, 44, 28, 52, 32, 44, 16, 28, 44, 16, 24, 12, 26, 50, 44, 30, 36, 44, 10, 52, 50, 30, 4, 16, 52, 46, 36, 14, 16, 16, 24, 48, 24, 24, 30, 50, 12, 14, 16, 24, 16, 52, 46, 52, 14, 14, 38, 44, 16, 52, 28, 44, 14, 36, 28, 44, 14, 24, 28, 44, 50, 12, 14, 14, 24, 50, 44, 42, 52, 36, 18, 36, 52, 30, 16, 24, 40, 44, 14, 16, 52, 46, 52, 50, 24, 12, 14, 14, 38, 18, 24, 8, 36, 26, 40, 14, 38, 36, 26, 40, 16, 52, 8, 52, 4, 52, 26, 46, 26, 24, 14, 16, 44, 26, 14, 36, 28, 44, 26, 14, 52, 30, 14, 38, 36, 26, 40, 16, 36, 14, 16, 52, 48, 14, 12, 52, 30, 40, 52, 18, 50, 52, 40, 44, 14, 38, 52, 14, 28, 52, 32, 44, 16, 28, 44, 16, 52, 46, 46, 44, 16, 14, 36, 16, 14, 36, 30, 30, 46, 24, 36, 14, 24, 42, 48, 24, 12, 18, 16, 44, 36, 46, 24, 26, 14, 38, 24, 52, 18, 46, 36, 14, 36, 26, 28, 4, 18, 24, 24, 28, 50, 12, 14, 14, 38, 18, 24, 8, 36, 26, 40, 36, 14, 52, 8, 52, 4, 28, 52, 32, 44, 16, 28, 44, 16, 52, 46, 36, 32, 26, 24, 8, 46, 44, 44, 22, 46, 24, 8, 26, 36, 14, 16, 26, 24, 14, 16, 44, 26, 14, 36, 44, 26, 14, 50, 12, 14, 34, 12, 16, 14, 14, 38, 36, 26, 32, 36, 26, 40, 52, 50, 24, 12, 14, 14, 38, 36, 16, 14, 38, 36, 26, 40, 24, 26, 30, 4, 28, 44, 52, 26, 14, 14, 24, 50, 44, 12, 16, 44, 46, 52, 26, 46, 14, 38, 18, 24, 8, 26, 52, 8, 52, 4, 8, 36, 14, 38, 24, 12, 14, 52, 16, 44, 48, 24, 26, 46, 14, 38, 24, 12, 40, 38, 14, 28, 52, 32, 44, 16, 28, 44, 42, 44, 44, 30, 16, 24, 28, 44, 32, 36, 26, 46, 24, 42, 8, 52, 4, 8, 44, 26, 44, 10, 44, 18, 18, 44, 28, 44, 28, 50, 44, 18, 52, 30, 30, 14, 38, 44, 14, 38, 36, 26, 40, 16, 8, 44, 14, 38, 18, 24, 8, 52, 8, 52, 4
???
16, 12, 48, 32, 16, 14, 38, 52, 14, 36, 30, 36, 32, 44, 52, 18, 14, 52, 16, 28, 12, 48, 38, 52, 16, 36, 46, 24, 44, 10, 44, 18, 4, 24, 26, 44, 16, 40, 18, 36, 30, 30, 44, 46, 36, 14, 36, 26, 14, 24, 28, 44, 14, 38, 52, 14, 40, 24, 36, 26, 40, 36, 26, 14, 24, 52, 18, 14, 8, 24, 12, 30, 46, 50, 44, 52, 28, 36, 16, 14, 52, 32, 44, 52, 26, 46, 36, 48, 52, 26, 14, 38, 44, 30, 22, 50, 12, 14, 50, 44, 30, 36, 44, 10, 44, 14, 38, 44, 28, 36, 48, 52, 26, 14, 46, 36, 16, 52, 40, 18, 44, 44, 8, 36, 14, 38, 14, 38, 44, 28, 14, 38, 24, 12, 40, 38, 36, 14, 16, 52, 16, 12, 22, 44, 18, 48, 24, 28, 22, 44, 14, 36, 14, 36, 10, 44, 42, 36, 44, 30, 46, 36, 46, 38, 52, 14, 44, 14, 24, 8, 24, 18, 32, 42, 18, 44, 44, 30, 52, 26, 48, 44, 52, 26, 46, 36, 28, 26, 24, 14, 14, 38, 44, 50, 44, 16, 14, 50, 12, 14, 36, 42, 36, 26, 46, 28, 4, 16, 44, 30, 42, 48, 18, 44, 52, 14, 36, 26, 40, 52, 18, 14, 36, 26, 16, 14, 44, 52, 46, 24, 42, 16, 14, 12, 46, 4, 36, 26, 40, 36, 26, 16, 14, 44, 52, 46, 24, 42, 46, 24, 36, 26, 40, 8, 24, 18, 32, 52, 26, 46, 36, 26, 48, 30, 52, 16, 16, 48, 24, 26, 16, 14, 52, 26, 14, 30, 4, 52, 18, 14, 36, 16, 26, 24, 14, 52, 26, 46, 26, 44, 10, 44, 18, 8, 36, 30, 30, 50, 44, 8, 24, 18, 32, 14, 24, 28, 44, 36, 34, 12, 16, 14, 30, 24, 10, 44, 36, 14, 14, 38, 36, 16, 16, 12, 48, 32, 16
???
42 18 12 48 4 52 28 52 14 4 28 20 26 52 14 20 16 18 42 40 48 20 42 18 28 12 20 40 14 44 30 30 52 42 32 28 32 40 42 34 12 32 34 26 12 20 28 12 4 30 20 10 32 16 12 42 20 42 18 4 38 10 42 32 6 12 26 20 12 46 12 28 52 14 4 28 20 26 52 48 32 44 26 10 16 12 42 28 4 10 4 42 28 12 14 32 38 40 32 28 12 32 14 42 18 12 42 18 20 30 16 40 42 18 4 42 42 18 12 52 10 32 20 10 16 32 20 30 42 32 10 12 34 42 18 6 44 42 20 14 40 32 28 12 32 30 12 4 8 42 44 4 26 26 52 10 12 8 38 52 34 42 12 10 42 18 20 40 20 48 32 44 26 10 30 42 48 4 30 42 42 18 12 28 24 30 32 48 20 30 16 4 30 52 48 4 52 20 42 40 18 4 38 10 14 32 38 28 12 42 32 30 32 42 6 12 44 34 40 12 42 48 18 12 30 34 12 32 34 26 12 26 4 44 16 18 20 16 44 12 40 40 14 38 32 28 42 18 12 20 38 34 12 38 40 34 12 8 42 20 46 12 20 42 40 14 44 30 30 52 6 44 42 8 4 30 42 52 32 44 44 40 12 52 32 44 38 6 38 4 20 30 14 32 38 4 28 20 30 44 42 12